Duckie

Whereas many people will testify how college life helped them to achieve enlightenment in the intellectual conclaves of blah, blah, blah… I was just glad to be a part of such a humble, down-to-earth environment free from politics, social strife and personality flare-ups; where no social cliques existed (not that Dave Watson, bless his heart, ever stopped trying). You folks were intelligent, to be sure, but none of you ever labored under the pretense of acting like an intellectual…

Please read on (see attachment)…

Dave "Duckie"

A Tree Grows in Lowry”

McQuote…

CHRIS KLINE: “You know, Kathy and I are discovering that Missouri is becoming quite famous for its domestic wine industry…”

ME: “I find your keen grasp of erudite cultural dining very fascinating. Now could you please pass me that tray of greasy Quarter-Pounders?” *

-circa 1986

*(disclaimer: This response may have actually been internal dialog)

Not to bore you with details about the legacy birth date policies of the Hazelwood School District; but suffice to say I was still a mere seventeen-year-old (and, as some may attest, not a very mature one at that) when I arrived at MU in 1982. Yet despite my 18 months’ experience and a sterling recommendation from Laura Collins, securing the job was far from a slam dunk.

I got my first impression of Jan Keithley that August day as she impassively perused my tepid McApplication and sternly mumbled something about already having enough people for the semester. I was convinced I was about to be dismissed faster than a Wilfong girlfriend when one last fleeting glance at my availability led her to say “Hmmm…you only have a single 1:40 class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?That’s three lunch shifts...”

As for my first month? Well, for the most part, my “listening issue” ushered in an unprecedented store-wide mandate that stated whereupon any occasion that finds Dave Canada and Clay Munro working concurrent shifts, the on-duty manager should not, under any circumstances, allow them to work in the same grill area. (This policy was rewritten in 1985, with the part of “Clay Munro” replaced with “Andy Chiodini”).

One thing was becoming abundantly clear: This weren’t no high school joint. Almost everyone here was the “Ace” employee from their hometown store; each could work every station, and all had the razor-sharp ability to calculate their own customers’ change faster than the POS system. There were no whiners or slackers here; these people were pros… I was clearly the Filet-O-Fish-out-of-water. In fact, the only things that kept my McD’s career afloat that first year were:

• The generosity (read: tolerance) from the likes of veterans Bob Simms, Kerri Forbis, Sheryl Bird, and the munificent Pat Brei,
• Simpatico friendships from fellow freshmen Ellen Peterson and Gretchen Wilder.
• The irreverent humor of Clay, John Reidy and Todd Bockledge
• Tough love from Karen Miller
• An unshakeable affiliation (much to their chagrin) with higher-skilled crew members (I’m lookin’ at you, Bramstedt).
• A steady stream of gossip from Sue Bryan and Robert Deyermond (all good, I assure you…ahem)
• The prevailing notion that no matter how shoddy my performance may have been, Bob Woodson always seemed to be there to catch more heat

  ¹ McQuote…

  PAT BREI: <surveying the Quarter Grill area> “John Reidy, you have GOT to be the messiest cook here…”

  REIDY: <deliberately wipes his spatula directly across his stomach> “Whatta ya mean?...”

  -circa 1983

  ² McQuote…

  JERRI: <entering the crowded break room, seemingly confused> “Now, what was it I was looking for?”

  TODD BOCKLEDGE: <not even looking up from his lunch> “The door, I hope....”

  -circa 1982

My second tenure at Campus wouldn’t be for another couple of years, but during my absence, I longed for the return of what I used to call the “Hall of Fame” of McDonald’s; bragging to everyone I worked with in the Florissant stores how they weren’t fit to even wash the TSP (Tackily-Striped Polyester) uniforms of you guys, much less wear them.

The atmosphere was the same, even though some of the players had changed, when I returned in August 1985.Gone were the Old-School personalities of Watkins, Sasse, and Miller. Now, in addition to a burgeoning Simms Dynasty, there were, among others, the Looney Luetkemeyers, the Sinister Seidelmanns, the mildly underrated Patterson brothers, and some hulking hayseed of a shift manager everyone was calling “Tedder”. But this time, that obnoxious kid everyone hoped had long been filtered out by the University’s academic standards, was different.He was more confident, attentive, and even a bit more serious (if ONLY a bit).
What could I say: working within the talents of the Campus McFamily tends to sponsor such growth in people who are ready for it…

Some highlights:

• Andy’s 14” rubber trout, kept under the counter, to be sprung upon any semantically-challenged customer who was unfortunate enough to order a “Fish” instead of a “Filet”.
• For a while --until the tenants were allegedly slapped with a legal warning, anyway-- before we threw any bulk item away, we subliminally imagined how the object would look if it were tossed out of a certain 4th floor Manor House window…
• Closing on “Wash”, with the break room blaring KCMQ (96.7), KTXY (106.9), and that one other station that played Steely Dan all the time… and Man, I swore that if I heard “Rock Me Amadeus” one more damned time, I was taking hostages…
• Fever-pitched Window races during lunch hour – admittedly one of the few times we ever got to see each other’s Dark Side “Ooops!Sorry, Bipple, Was that your foot I kicked out beneath you as we were both reaching for the last McCheddarMelt?”
• Spades Tourneys on select weekends, complete with a marketing campaign (i.e. the infamous break room corkboard).
• Overnight accommodations were always free; simply pick which fold-out table you want to sleep under.
• Comedy Nights at Déjà Vu (Tuesdays), ‘Oldies Night’ at Maxi’s (Thursdays), and Molly Whitmore coercing a bouncer to let me in on an ID he suspected was fake (itwas).
• Gunther’s Games (formerly Pin Pan Alley) on Broadway, pretty much every other day, spending way too many hard-earned quarters trying to outscore “Myrtle” Luetkemeyer on “Pinbot”.
• (Honorable mentions go to “Burger Time” and “Tron” in the Missouri Bookstore vestibule).
• Wilfong’s Amazing Banana-Slicing-Playing-Card-Projectiles:
• Who want to see him up against a Shin-kicking Theresa Keller in a Pay-per-View Smackdown?
• The unspoken rivalry between which place hosted the most social events:A
• Ashland Gravel Rd’s Townhouse- Motto: “Jeez, did Canadaspend the night AGAIN?” (Luetkemeyer/Aubrey/Murphy)
• SouthHampton’s Bungalow (“ESPN Lite”, or “RISK™ Central”, or “That One Place with the Dead Oscar in the Fish Tank and the Christmas Tree Nailed to the Ceiling” (Watson/Wilfong/Bramstedt/Tedder/ and sometimes Voss)

Whew! For those who are probably still wondering: Yes, I did indeed gradute.

McQuote…

ANONYMOUS: “Hey! Someone left their paper crew hat on the transfer bin…no wait… now it’s moving. Oh, never mind, it’s Rodd Aubrey. False alarm…”

-circa 1985

Before I finish, and in the spirit of commemorating such an amazing chapter of our lives, indulge me as I seek personal closure with the following people:

• August 1988: Slinking out the back door on my last day of work quietly avoiding JD Mosher as he was most certainly preparing the traditional “Watery Farewell” for me in the main sink.
• I could be wrong here JD, but it was Sunday afternoon, four hours before closing, and unless you were planning to roll the entire Auxiliary Grill back there for a thorough hand washing, that sink had no business being full-to-the-ceiling with suds.
• Danna, it wasn’t your fault I got kicked off the softball diamond at Rainbow that one evening. Neither of us knew that sipping the beer from your cup through a hole in the fence would in any way be construed as “Alcohol on the Field”…
• Mary Ann Seidelmann – sorry I dropped you on your head that one time we were dancing (Ha!) at Rodd’s old apartment.If you don’t remember the incident…well,that’s because I …dropped you …on…you know…your head.
• Editor’s Note:remove this bullet item before final draft
  

• A moment of lament for our “classic” customers – alive or not – who will surely miss the place as much as us.
• Here’s to you, Hal (“C-COFFEE! TWO CR-CR-CREAMS!) and “Creepy Vet Guy”, who always ordered the same thing (that is, unless we had the audacity to prepare it for him ahead of time).
• Sorry, Gretchen, for the one time I snapped at you, and over a measly “’Sewage’ Biscuit” (© 1983 - Brian MacGuire) at that.In my defense, I was at the time struggling with my biological incompatibility with the whole concept of “breakfast hours” Yes, I still think about that…
• Watson, wherever the hell you are, I’ve always respected you. That “cold war” was only in your head…
  
• Andy: Let it go. Tedder was only doing his job when he wouldn’t allow you behind the counter that one Halloween. After all, it was your choice to dress that year as a Chippendale’s model, and thus he was forced to follow government health regulations, seeing as you were wearing no shirt (admittedly, the Sharpie™-drawn chest hair was a nice touch…).
• Toni Peters – thanks for the flirting. Now that we’ve moved on in life, it’s okay, maybe even therapeutic, for you to go ahead and admit that you SO wanted me.Wait a sec…was that perhaps the other way around? Uh, never mind…
• Thanks Jan, for always “getting” me. After catching me and Chiodini one morning completely trashing the sink area with flour and baking equipment – trying emulating the disaster a certain employee routinely created while making biscuits – you continued to let us photograph the mock catastrophe for the ’86 Christmas Party Slide Show…

McQuote…

JAN: <rolling her eyes and easing back up the ramp, as if to indicate she saw nothing> “Just…just …clean it up when you’re done…”

-December 1986

Ahhhh yes…All this AND $4 an hour….

-DC